As some of you may have noticed, my blog has been quiet of late. I apologize. The truth is that I have not trusted myself to be open on this platform for the fact that, of late, I do not have many good things to say. But now I have decided to speak anyway.
When you are in this fragile state of constantly negotiating a new culture, there is often no warning between sudden shifting feelings of extreme elation and soul-crushing homesickness. And no matter how long you have been living abroad, and no matter how much experience you have already had with culture shock and homesickness, there are always still times when it gets you.
Right now is a great time to be in Japan -- the weather is finally not stifling, the air is crisp while the days are still sunny and the leaves are turning those lovely warm colours as summer is retreating into fall. And there are still many exciting events and cultural festivals going on -- and yet my thoughts can't be torn away from Canada and my friends and family at home. I find myself either retreating into myself or reaching out on every social platform available to make contact across the Pacific. And of course all the while I am searching desperately online for the blue moon "cheap" flight home for Christmas that I already know I cannot afford.
Why am I torturing myself like this and why can't I stop doing it even as I know I'm doing it? It's emotional, not logical. Rather than being a problem with a formulaic solution, it's a current you just ride out as best you can until the storm passes. And hopefully whatever got you through the last one does so again.
For me right now, I have a lovely tri-fector of reasons for my dampened spirits of late.
The first I have already hinted towards. I am homesick and dreading the upcoming Christmas season. It will be my third Christmas away from home. I have only been home once so far, in the middle of my two years thus far in Japan and specifically for two beautiful summer weddings. Cost has always been the central issue keeping me away at holiday season time, mainly thanks to the ridiculous raping that North Americans commonly face when getting a university education - of which I am still suffering from the lingering effects of.
The second is that I still miss the good friends I had for the past two years here in Japan that have recently gone home. While technology always makes contact possible, it's not quite the same as having those partners in cultural exploration alongside you to lean on with a knowing sigh, them being in a similar place, mentally and emotionally, in this ex-pat adventure.
The third is that I have been dealing with, for a long time now, an uncomfortable medical issue. Doing this in a second language and having to rely on others' help when I am by nature a very independent person has been difficult. That, and getting used to a doctor-patient relationship that is vastly different than what I am used to, has made things less smooth. The simple questions I am used to openly asking, such as details of the treatment or side effects of medication, were treated as a personal insult to the doctor's wisdom. All of these things have led to a few miss-communications that have added to my situation. I won't go into any more details, but understandably, I wish that this was all happening on my home turf.
I wrote this blog today not for sympathy or help. It's my life and they are my issues, only I can get through them. And I will be fine - I know all of this will pass in time. But I wrote this because I want to be genuine about the ups and downs that come with living out of country. We see and read about the wonders so often and these are really not the whole picture. Though facebook may make us all think otherwise, it's not always amazing. In life the positive is only so good because of the comparison with the negative - ying and yang - and in my blog about the "trials and tribulations for this foreigner living abroad in Japan", both deserve a say.
